Last Updated: Sunday, February 01, 2009
Ask Sister Heloise is an advice column for all matters related to attending your high school reunion. Sister Heloise has been to many class reunions and dispenses advice from a 'tough love' perspective, the most effective kind. She may not have a ruler or pointer to beat you this time, but she can get right to the root of your problem and offer up her timeless wisdom. Please use the form at the end of the page to receive your sage advice.
Dear Sister Heloise,
I may have inadvertently led my wife to believe that I was the senior class president and the captain of the football team at my high school. She's never questioned this minor exaggeration and I've actually overheard her bragging about it to some of our friends on occasion. Our 25th class reunion is coming up this August and I'm not sure what to do if she brings up this subject with my old high school friends.
Sincerely,
Ashamed in Forty-Fort
Dear Rightfully Ashamed:
You really are an imbecile. Didn't you marry to your attractive high school sweetheart? Don't you think she knows you were exaggerating and just went along to soothe your fragile ego? In any event, if her memory is as bad as yours, I suggest you get your story straight with some of your cronies who have likely boasted to their own spouses about their over-inflated accomplishments. Keep her away from anyone who might spill the beans and for Pete's sake, don't let her anywhere near the yearbook.
Cordially,
Sister Heloise
Dear Sister Heloise,
I'd like to go to my high school reunion after 25 years, but I'm concerned about three things: 1.) I don't think that anyone has gained as much weight as me, 2.) That no one has as much gray hair as I do and 3.) No one is quite as bald as me.
Feeling Senior in Swoyersville
Dear Senior Citizen:
While it's true that no single individual in your class can top you in all three categories, it's very likely that you'll find at least one person who will exceed your achievement in each category. This isn't an Ironman competition where you are expected to excel in every category. As long as you can identify at least one individual who can top you in the weight gain, hair loss, and graying hair categories, you're unlikely to walk away with any embarrassing prizes. Failing that, I suggest some Grecian formula for the hair or maybe even a rug in your case. There's not much we can do to hide that 60 lb spare tire you've accumulated around the waistline.
Very truly yours,
Sister Heloise
Dear Sister Heloise,
With my 25th high school reunion approaching, I'm a little concerned that I haven't done as much with my life as I had hoped. I thought by this stage of my life I'd have many people under me as I assumed the role as a captain of industry. Instead, I'm more like 'Wally' on Dilbert and I often feel like Scott Adams is making fun of me.
Humbled in Philly
Dear Humiliated:
Just in case you're uncertain about it, you are an idiot. And when did you ever get the idea that you could hold a candle to Wally? While it's true that you had 1200 people under you at age 21 (while mowing grass at St. Norbert's cemetery), you'll never manage to achieve that same stature again until you retire and find yourself raking leaves at St. Mary's cemetery (then you'll have 4000 people 'under' you).. In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to ply your leadership skills at a McDonalds (and I mean no offense to capable Mickey D managers). You can always bluff your way through the inevitable questions about what exactly is it that you do. You can embellish your accomplishments by using some kind of nebulous title. I'd suggest you use the title of 'systems architect'. It's always worked for you in the past.
Amiably,
Sister Heloise
Dear Sister Heloise,
For our 11th year reunion (we couldn't get it together to hold a 10th), I told
my classmates that I was a "domestic goddess". I'm
wondering if that term is still in use or if there is a new one? Is
"soccer mom" appropriate?
Rich Liberal Democrat
Dear Whining Democrat:
It stands to reason that your class didn't have a 10th reunion. I can just hear the dialog now, "Have you heard anything about our reunion?", "No, I haven't have you?", and so on until 1987 came and went and finally Mary organized the 11th in 1988. Thank God you have a few responsible members in your class. Now you want to know what you should call yourself since the kids are grown and you lack any semblance of a real profession... Let me see, how about a whining, spoiled brat? For your penance, I want you to listen to Rush Limbaugh for a week straight.
In God's Patience and Love,
Sister Heloise
Dear Sister Heloise,
After 20 years with a computer geek desk job, my body has taken on the appearance of a melted wax Buddah figurine. With my high school reunion only 8 weeks away, can you think of a safe exercise program that I might use to get myself back into shape.
Seeking Enlightenment
Dear Unenlightened,
I have an exercise regimen that starts off very simply, progresses steadily, and in the end will leave you with a beautifully sculpted body that will be the envy of that old high school flame who dumped you. You won't even have to start until a month before the reunion. It involves only three exercises. The first day do one sit-up, one pushup, and walk one step. The next day, double the number of each of these exercises. Continue doubling each exercise each day until your reunion. That is, the second day, do 2 sit-ups, 2 pushups, and walk 2 steps. On the third day, do 4 of each and so on. I won't bore you with the mathematics of this program, but suffice to say that after 30 days, you won't be needing that plane ticket to get you back to PA.
Kind regards,
Sister Heloise
Dear Sister Heloise,
At age 41, I was a dotcom millionaire with all the perks a lifestyle like that afforded. Now, a mere 18 months later, I'm a dotbomb loser. All my stocks have tanked and my biggest achievement, the VC-funded Internet startup that left me worth millions on paper now has the creditors nipping at my heels. I have to go back and face my classmates at my 25th high school reunion and tell them what a loser I am. Oh why couldn't we have had a 23rd reunion? How could a benevolent God have allowed this to happen to me?
Busted in Silicon Valley
Dear Busted,
It's precisely because there's a benevolent God that this happened to you. The fact that you'd ask someone who took a vow of poverty to explain your financial woes to you is an indication that you don't deserve to have any money. Like I told you in high school, it's morally wrong to let a fool keep his money. Don't worry, your classmates loved you when you had nothing so you'll look the same to them when you show up at the reunion. You'd have been a frightening and unfamiliar sight had you showed up in your Ferrari. You'll be more familiar in Dad's beat-up old Buick.
Warm wishes,
Sister Heloise
Dear Sister Heloise,
I had been considering attending my high school reunion, but realized that I did some things in my younger days that I'm not too proud of. I would be very embarrassed about facing the victims who I am likely to see at the reunion. What should I do?
Feeling Guilty in Greeley
Dear Guilty scoundrel:
The fact that 30 years later your conscience is still bothering you is ample evidence that your Catholic indoctrination is paying big dividends! You see, your conscience needs you to beg forgiveness for these transgressions, and unless you do, you'll be plagued by them for the rest of your life. What better time to grovel for forgiveness than at your reunion, when you can do lots of it done all at once? Better yet, you might consider asking for forgiveness publicly because you won't have time to get it all taken care of in the span of a single weekend. Also, asking for forgiveness publicly intensifies the feelings of embarrassment and remorse, both of which are good for the soul.
Yours truly,
Sister Heloise
