Ask Sister Heloise is an advice column for all matters related to your high school reunion.  Sister Heloise has been to many class reunions and dispenses advice from a 'tough love' perspective, the most effective kind.  She may not have a ruler or pointer to beat you this time, but she can get right to the root of your problem and offer up her timeless wisdom.  [ED: please don't be offended by all this nonsense, it's just for fun ]  You may contact Sister Heloise at sisterh@k0lee.com.


August 18th, 2007

My dearest Sister Heloise;

I want to apologize to Tom Crossin. I misunderstood. I thought holding the reunion was a prank formulated by our classmates to "get his Irish up".  I never considered contacting before hand or mentioning it at basketball games while watching his Daughters play for our now renamed Alma Mater. (They are both very good basketball players by the way. Have you seen them play?)

Publicly, I want to apologize to Tom. Tom Crossin, I am truly sorry for not taking you up on your generous offer to host the reunion at your home. I hope you accept this apology. To make it up to you, since I offered to chair our 50Th Birthday Bash, would you like to host the party at your home? It's the least I can do. We'll bring grills, food and the like. All you have to do is help with replacing any divots in the lawn!

Tom, also, if you can reschedule Stevie Nicks. I will personally apologize to her for being so inconsiderate.

Sister, I hope this is the proper way for me to handle this situation. I hope it is reflective of my Catholic education at Bishop O'Reilly.

Sincerely apologetic,
Michael Kinney

P.S. Sister, Mark no longer sells the most Rolaids. He has become a lovely hostess, busboy and insulter on the floor of the diner. He no long handles the cooking! Most of the people we spoke with believe he should only be hauling the garbage out to the dumpster and not be seen at all. I'm only stating the truth.

Dear Michael,

"My dearest"?  Oh, Michael, you really are quite the charmer... and then, complimenting Tommy's daughters before issuing an apology, that's true savior-faire!

I am impressed with the way our Catholic indoctrination program worked on you.  A lot of people go through the motions of feeling guilt, but yours comes across so genuinely.  It almost feels like eavesdropping on a private confession.  And readers, please don't judge me on that minor transgression.  Those confessional booths have such thin cloth and some of you are so loud, who can help it? 

I also like the way you stick up for Mark, who has no Internet access.  It is truly noble to defend the absent party.  It's like when someone tells you that one of your friends isn't fit to eat with pigs, and then you stick up for him by saying, "Oh, yes he is!".   True friends like you are rare indeed.

In His infinite forgiveness,

Sister Heloise


August 15th, 2007

Sister, 

For the last 5 years I thought the reunion was going to be at my house, it won the vote fair and square, now instead we are venturing down to Hanover Township…How am I supposed to feel about this?…I had Fleetwood Mac lined up for Saturday night, Stevie Nicks is none too happy…I thought these class-mates were my life-long friends…What's a man to do?.. Please help……

Tom c

Dear Tommy-boy,

Well, well, well, look who shows up now that much of  the work is done...none other than, Tommy C! Where were you last year when the committee was trying to track you down with all your email bouncing back like a rubber ball?  They thought you had skipped town! And now that the original August 11th date has passed, you tell us that you had lined up Fleetwood Mac with Stevie Nicks??? Oh boy, the classmates are not going to be happy with the committee about this!

Yes, the committee knows that your generous offer to host the party at your house was the hands down winner in the survey, but they weren't sure you were really serious. So they figured they'd ask about it very cautiously, to see if perhaps you made the offer when you were feeling a bit tipsy and then later regretted the thought of having your house overrun by your classmates. After not getting a nibble from these timid inquiries of your whereabouts and whether or not the offer still stood, and the committee, being so preoccupied with other matters (since some of them actually have lives, unlike the guy who runs the website), they went looking around for a hall to rent.

I'm sure that the next story we'll hear about is that you had one of those spiffy new Chevys from Bonner Chevrolet that you were going to give away as a door prize, but donated it to charity instead.

I have an idea. How about hosting the 50th birthday bash in 2009??!!! And make sure that you get Stevie Nicks again, OK?  Don't forget the Chevy door prize either.

In His Sweet Mercy and Love,

Sister Heloise


 

August 14th, 2007

Dear Sister Heloise,

I've been having some bad luck lately with my email skills, or lack thereof. You see, I don't think that people get my humor. Just yesterday I was trying to provide encouragement to a classmate to attend the reunion after she gave me a lame excuse that she has to take her cat to the groomer that day. I told her we'd kidnap her and bring her, if necessary. Well, I got the nastiest response back from her telling me that kidnapping is a federal offense and now she is going to report me to the FBI!

Sister, I was just kidding with her, like we used to do all the time in high school, but she took it seriously! And I had even included smiley faces!, (you know, this kind --> :-) of a smiley face on its side.

I don't know what's gotten into her, and now I may need a lawyer to defend me. Do you think that John Nardone would defend me,  as a pro bono case, since I don't have much money?

Signed,

Frightened in Nanticoke

Dear Scaredy Cat,

Your last sentence made me spew coffee into my screen when you mentioned John Nardone and 'pro bono' in the same sentence. I don't think John can help you because he's a personal injury lawyer and you need a criminal lawyer. Maybe if you can spin it into an emotional distress case and counter sue he'd be able to help you, but I'm afraid with written proof of your threat, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Humor doesn't always translate well in email communications. Many people don't know what the heck this smiley face on its side :-) even means.  They may just  think you don't know how to type. You can always slip in the emotion-in-parentheses like (grin) or (warm smile) or (hugs) after each sentence but that sometimes insults the reader's intelligence. Or, more likely, they may think you've gone completely nuts.

People need to learn to lighten up with it comes to email because by now everyone has likely been on both sides of misunderstandings.  Some of you may have amnesia about it. I thought your Catholic education would have toughened your skin to the the good natured ribbing you experience throughout life. It looks like some of you may need a refresher class.

My advice to you is to grow up and not worry so much about whether people 'get' your humor or not. And for your potential kidnap victim, she just needs to understand the art of coming up with better excuses. If it's who I think it is, she was quite good at it in high school. Never once did she use the tired old, 'My dog ate my homework', excuse. No, she was much more creative than that!  So it's hard to imagine her using a cat grooming appointment to get out of the reunion.  Doesn't she know that the only valid excuses for missing a high school reunion are commitments for either:

a. Your kid's ball game
b. A charity or fund raising event
c. Your grandkid's school play

Those excuses are beyond reproach.  If you stick with them, you can wiggle out of just about anything.

Sister "I've heard 'em all" Heloise


August 13, 2007

Dear Sister Heloise;

Thank you for the kind words about our reunion efforts. It deepens me however to see you gracefully bow out of our reunion. I did however absorb your advise and am actively pursuing Sister Donna Marie.  My fellow committee members, Chuck Brennan and Maryellen Finley Cusma has volunteered to escort her from New Jersey for the reunion. (Well, I sort of volunteered them.)

I was praying both of you could honor us with your presence and lead us in prayer. As you know some of us, especially Mark Hession, (who treats his customers terribly) need all the prayers on our behalf as we can get.

You will be missed by all at the reunion. My I indulge you one last time, we need your intersession on locating our "Lost Soul" classmates : John Roche, Donna Shatkoski, Donna Reese, Karen Krishunis Shemanski, and most recently Dorothy Baran.  My goal is to locate everyone of our classmates for this reunion.

Sincerely,
Michael Kinney

P.S. We will be planning a 50Th Birthday party for the Summer of 2009. Please keep that summer open to attend and help celebrate a half century on this planet.

Dear Michael,

It deepens you?  I deepen you?  How sweet you are!  You _complete_ me...  You had me at Dear Sister...  OK, I admit that I'm a sucker for that movie, Jerry Maguire, what can I say. 

I will keep you and all your 'lost souls' in my prayers, especially for the souls of the faithful departed, who hopefully didn't pass prematurely due to eating at Mark's place.   I know what you mean about treating his customers terribly.  Does he still have that sign at the counter proudly stating that his diner holds the sales record for Rolaids?  I surely hope not!  Now that would be tacky.

In His deep and holy powers,

Sister Heloise


August 10th, 2007

Dear Sister Heloise;

The Bishop O'Reilly Class of 1977 is celebrating our 30th Class Reunion on September 29th, 2007. Since you were an active part of our education at Bishop O'Reilly in the mid-1970's, I have two reunion related questions for you. First, are you planning on attending our reunion?  Second, if so, we would be honored if you would lead us in prayer before the meal.

Thank you,

Michael Kinney (acting on behalf of the reunion committee)

Dear Michael,

First of all, your classmates should be very proud of you for volunteering to chair the reunion committee when all hope seemed lost.  I know that am very proud of you. And I'm getting lots of feedback from my minions on what a good job you're doing too...

I very much appreciate your invitation to the reunion and, although I get many requests to attend these events, I have to turn them down because it just wouldn't be fair to attend some, but not others.  With my Internet celebrity status, I'd never have a moment's rest.  And,  I don't need to tell you,  I'm no spring chicken. 

I understand you're also in hot pursuit of another colleague of mine, the nun previously known as Sister Ines, now known by her vanity callsign,  Sister Donna Marie.  I'll do my best to encourage her to come and do the honors.

Respectfully,

Sister Heloise


August 8th, 2007

Sister,
    How does one go about trying to purchase an old O'Reilly wrestling singlet to pass on to his more "successful" progeny to ensure future successes in the collegiate arena?

 

Dear Prolific Progenitor,

You really need to work on your email skills.  You're missing the salutation in the greeting, the closing, and the signature.  These simple rules of etiquette have not been rescinded with the invention of email, although lately I've begun to wonder if they have. 

I find it curious that you, the most prodigious of all of your classmates when it comes to progeny, would find it necessary to request advice of this sort from a nun.  The genetic material needed for success in the collegiate arena is already in place, and if  you paid attention in Sister Claire's biology class, that should  not come as a surprise to you.  The possession of a sweaty old garment would constitute nothing more than a superstition.  If you want to really help the boy out, you can never go wrong with the power of prayer.

Prayerfully,

Sister Heloise


August 7th, 2007

Dear Sister Heloise,

I've been waiting patiently for you to come back on line and so it's with a sigh of relief that I write this email.  I was thinking about attending my 30th reunion, but I don't know who else is going to be there.  I don't want to be the only 'cool' person to attend and have to hang out with people like the geeky guy that runs the reunion website.  They want me to commit, but I won't commit unless I know all the other 'cool' people are going to be there.  What should I do?

Waiting impatiently,

Cool dude living in a cool place

Dear Cool Kat,

The first thing I would suggest is that you get over yourself!  You weren't that cool in high school and time has done little to change things.   The "geeky guy who runs the website" just updated the attendees list and you can see that a lot of the really cool people are signed up to go.  But don't let that deter you.  You should still go anyway and do your best to fit in. 

In His Infinite Patience

Sister Heloise


October 30, 2004

What is the etiquette on bringing a date to a high school reunion? A friend suggested that I view it similar to a wedding and can bring someone whom I feel comfortable enough that I would invite to a wedding. Another friend thought it would be rude to bring someone that would not know anyone there. I originally thought it was only typical to bring spouses or long term relationship/significant others. However, I do think that the man I am dating now would have a great time with my friends although we have only been dating for about two months. What are your thoughts?

Dear reader,

Thanks for your patience while I was cooling my heels.  Finally, a real question about a reunion!  And an age old one at that...bringing a date to the reunion.  I'll tell you what not to do.  Don't hire an escort!  Don't laugh, this has been tried before and it becomes quite obvious to the people there when you pull a stunt like that.  Usually, escorts can be spotted a mile away and would be bored silly at a reunion, so just for the sake of anyone entertaining that thought, get it out of your mind right now.   As I've mentioned in the past, there's absolutely no shame in attending your reunion stag, particularly if your spouse is really opposed to attending and would spoil the fun.   And if you're the one who is going to a reunion but won't know a single person besides your spouse, it's your responsibility to have a good time so your spouse won't be worrying about you.  You will likely find people there with some common interests who will welcome the opportunity to converse with you.

Contrary to the advice that your friend gave, it is most certainly not rude to invite a person who won't know a single person there.   Meeting new people can be a lot of  fun!  Lots of people at a reunion don't know anyone because they met their spouses long after high school and perhaps after moving to a different city so this is a very common occurrence. 

In summary, if your date is generally gregarious and at ease in the company of strangers, there's not problem.  If he's not, leave him home with the kids and a list of chores.

In His humble servitude,

Sister Heloise


October 1, 2004

I've been enjoying the peace and quiet that one normally enjoys in my line of work when the reunion is far off in the future, with no one asking me for advice.  Then, all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, I get these repeated requests for laundry advice!  Apparently someone has me mixed up with the Good Housekeeping Heloise! 

It started out with one of my readers who has a husband who leaves pens in his pockets which then proceed to ruin the clothing of my dear reader when they get into the washing machine.   Now, in the case of nuns, our laundry chores are quite simple, because our  darks are black and our lights are white and the pockets all happen to be in the darks.   As long as we use black pens (which we always do) forgetting to remove a pen from the pocket in our laundry simply adds black to black.  No problem.   However, I fear that this memory lapse on the part of the husband is going to land him in some very hot water if it doesn't get straightened out soon as she described herself as a 'soon to be widow'.

So the first item is to determine who has the responsibility for making sure that pens don't end up in the washer.  I'd say the best approach is to use a two-tiered strategy and that is to make sure the owner of the clothing checks all pockets before putting the clothing in the hamper.  But it's equally important to double-check when the clothing is going into the washing machine, even a cursory check by squeezing the pockets to detect long narrow implements carrying a payloads of dark ink.  Pocket change and currency is generally no problem; think of it as a tip should it make its way into the washer.  Get into this habit and your ink pen problems will be greatly reduced.

That leaves the second part of the question, i.e., how to remove the ink stains.  I've found a very effective solvent is ethyl alcohol (i.e., grain alcohol).  You can get it at the liquor store where it is sold as Everclear.   I'm not joking, this is a much better solvent than isopropyl (rubbing) alcohol.  If you feel too embarrassed to purchase it (since you're no longer the college-age party hound you used to be) you can try denatured alcohol which is virtually the same thing except it's spiked with methanol (wood alcohol), so don't drink it unless you want to go blind.  You can find it at most hardware stores.  Just put an old towel or paper towel under the clothing, liberally apply the alcohol, and put a towel over it to prevent it from evaporating.  Blot the stain occasionally. Repeat until the stain is gone.

And remember...Cleanliness is next to Godliness...

Sister Heloise


May 9th, 2004

Dear Sister Heloise,

It is my understanding that you do quite a bit of traveling.

I really need some advice from a seasoned traveler such as yourself.

I will be flying to New Orleans to stay with my brother and his family for 4 nights and 5 days. We will meet up with my son and his high school band. It should be fabulous! I should be elated!! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me!

HOWEVER, I am flying alone. Four take offs and four landings, round trip. And I am petrified.

Long before September 11, I was afraid to fly. As you can imagine, my fear levels are now "sky high". It was frightening enough to contemplate mechanical failures and terrifying spirals to my death. Now I must contend with a possible public strip search as my substantial underwire bra sounds the hidden weapon alarms. I worry that my permanent, terrified facial expression will cause me to be suspect...subjecting me to grueling interrogations. I miss out on half of my mini vacation.

In the past, I have relied on self-medication to get me through. However, I have always had sober traveling companions to protect me while I consume multiple large cups of 7-11 coffee and Bailey's Irish cream. This time, with only Irish coffee by my side, I recognize I will be putting myself at risk and in danger of any number of potential problems. I have been told that excessive amounts of alcohol cause me to be careless, giddy, and flirtatious. I may wind up on the wrong connecting flight with a strange (yet handsome) man and find myself at the Timbuktu Holiday Inn, naked, without luggage, and stranded. I will have to call my brother COLLECT and have him make arrangements for me to Go Greyhound, go home and miss my vacation altogether.

I have made up my mind after months of consideration. I am taking this trip. AND I AM RUNNING WITH SCISSORS!!

PLEASE give me some advice that will help me get to my fun destination AND STRONGER advice that will help me get on planes to come back home.

Sincerely,
Drunk, Irish, Catholic Mother 

Dear Imaginative and Inebriated Mom,

First of all, Happy Mother's Day!  What would we do without the lovable, witty, drunken Irish to lighten the load of bringing more lovable, drunken Catholics into the world?  And what vivid imaginations we Irish have, not just suffering mini tragedies or thought fragments about the impending doom it the future, but rather full length screenplays so vivid you want to go running for a Hollywood producer so you can sell the screen rights for the next blockbuster horror film!

You are quite correct about my fascination with travel and the Big Easy is a top spot for me especially during its buildup for the big kickoff for Lent, a.k.a. Mardi Gras (that's  Fat Tuesday for your non-French speakers).  You'd be hard pressed to find a more sleazy, drunken, surreal place than the aptly-named Bourbon Street in the heart of the French Quarter.  In short, you'll feel as if a mothership of kindred spirits has landed and you are truly 'among your people'.  So what better way to prepare yourself for the experience than to do a little self medication to get you through the hassle of airline travel?  Think of it as a warm up exercise.

As for your apprehensions about  getting kidnapped in your compromised state, I can say that nearly every plane load of passengers heading for New Orleans has more than a few people who want to get the party started early, so the airlines are adept at directing the dazed and confused crowd to the taxis to deliver them to the downtown area.  You may want to put a little sign around your neck stating something to the effect, "New Orleans-bound"  and some kind soul will no doubt help you to get there should you become disoriented.

I'd like to just make a serious comment about suffering while contemplating about the future.  We are all guilty of it from time to time and it can become a debilitating and draining way to experience life.  You have to look with a positive and uplifting attitude to the future, not to dread it for any of the possible unpleasantness it may hold.   The worst thing that people fear about the future is their inevitable passing from this world to the next, yet all you have to dread should that occur is eternal paradise and what could be so bad about that?  Whenever you feel a sense of dread about some future event, immediately replace that thought with its exact opposite.   Don't give the thought any time to form into a series of interconnected events so powerful and moving that you become petrified by your fertile imagination.  Nip it in the bud, immediately.  Period.  Or, as my friend Susan Jeffers would say, feel the fear, but do it anyway.

Have a great time in New Orleans,

Sister Heloise


April 10, 2004

Hello!  I have discovered my love for hats of all kinds.  I wear them casually as well as with evening wear.  I find them fun and becoming. My questions are in regard to "hat etiquette". Are there times when hats should be removed, such as during dinner or other times I'm not aware?  I have been curious about this, as when hats are removed, there is generally flat hair to contend with which, to me, would be worse than leaving the hat on.  Help!

Thank you,

Hat crazy
 

Dear Mad as a Hatter,

My advice to you, assuming you're a woman, would be to become a nun.  Have you ever seen a nun with a 'bad hair day', or 'flat hair'?  I would think not since the headgear remains in place.   If you have a 24x7 head covering fetish, it's the only way to go.  If you're a guy, then you might aspire to become the pope, who always has a cover for his noggin, be it a tall and stately miter or a skull cap for the casual look.   If neither of these career choices are within your grasp, you could opt for the rock-and-roll style du jour, that is, the dew rag, which is another way of telling society that you're really lazy, yet are self-aware enough not to affront their senses with your bad hair.   Under no circumstances should you resort to wearing the ball cap, unless you're actually playing ball, since we all know how I feel about those

In summary, a good rule of thumb is that if you're a woman, you may leave your hat on indoors, especially in Church but unless you're a bishop or the pope, hats must come off indoors. 

With a tip of my habit,

Sister Heloise


August 9, 2003

Dear Sister Heloise,

My daughter graduated from high school a few weeks ago. I am so proud of her!! But I have a big problem. She and I have been spending a lot of time comparing high school memories. I am very lucky because she tells me a lot about her private life...although even a naive Catholic mom like me knows she has her share of secrets. Never once in her entire life so far has she been in any kind of real trouble. The problem is, all this reminiscing reminds me that even her good Catholic mother, who Sister Gratiana put on a pedestal with some of her classmates, was a little naughty. I once skipped school and went to a big drinking party in the rain. I went to a bar graduation weekend and was busted. I was never a bad girl with the boys, but that was because the boys never asked me to be bad! We recently visited my daughter's college and now I worry about all the things she probably did and got away with...and all that lies ahead!! How am I ever going to get through the first semester? College is so expensive; I don't think I can afford to go back to therapy again. Help!!

Signed,

Still Crazy After All These Years

Dear Loony-Tunes,

Although this forum is completely anonymous, it is possible to divulge one's identity by providing just a few too many personal details.  It's alright though, your classmates will never figure out who you are (even if I can) since there are a few who fit your 'profile'.  However,  it didn't help your anonymity by bringing up the references of the underage drinking parties your class had Camp Wil, and the ill-fated graduation celebration at the Rathskeller.  One of these events still has some rather incriminating photographic evidence floating around, if you get my drift.

So, you're just a little worried that your daughter may have a few tricks up her sleeve, just like her dear old mom???  You can count on it honey, and what you're feeling now is the 'boomerang effect' of sin.  You see, sin has a tendency to come back and haunt us long after the transgression has been forgiven and penance has been offered.  This is yet another dividend you get for your underage naughtiness.

But giving into temptation can have a beneficial effect too.  Should your daughter find herself guilty of the things that you yourself were at one time guilty of, then perhaps she'll get a little more sympathy and understanding from you.  Remember that only she who is without sin can cast stones at people in glass houses, if you'll pardon my mixed metaphor.  And it's easier to forgive mistakes when you can recall that it's just a normal part of growing up that you experienced for yourself.

Having said all that, and knowing that you were truly worthy of the pedestal you were put on by Sister Gratiana (a fine judge of character, if ever there was one), I have the utmost confidence that your daughter has inherited your fine judgment and clear thinking, your few missteps notwithstanding.  Any mother and daughter who have a friendly and open relationship like yours are far ahead of the ones who simply tolerate each other.  The latter type of mother/daughter relationships are much more common than the former so please count yourself among the truly blessed.

In His Heavenly Forgiveness,

Sister Heloise  


March 3, 2003

Dear Sister Heloise,

I read with great interest your column regarding the 3 nuns in Colorado who broke into a missile silo. I must agree with your condemnation of their misdirected "peaceful" actions.  I live only 3 hours from Washington D.C. and one hour from the largest Naval base in the world in Norfolk, VA. Not to mention my backyard is near: multiple other large military bases, a training ground for the CIA, and N.A.S.A.  We don't take too kindly around here to fanatics, clergy or not, running with scissors. The thought of having MORE attention drawn to us is unpleasant enough; we can't possibly consider nuclear accidents, especially caused by U.S. nuns. Mother Teresa said it best. When asked, "How do we promote world peace?" She answered: "Go home and love your family."  My family includes many wonderful, caring, giving friends.
It was good to see you in print again.

Sincerely,

A loyal reader full of love

Dear Lovely Loyal Reader,

There is nothing in this world more gratifying than getting messages like yours.  I often have to give advice to people who have "puddin' for brains" in the hope that some other intelligent person will read it and get some benefit out of it.  It's often been said that dispensing advice is futile because, "Wise people don't need it and fools won't heed it."   The beauty of doing it in a public forum like this is that I know that I have intelligent and gracious readers like you who, although they may not seek advice personally, read the advice that I give to others and understand it and that's what makes my job so worthwhile.

You are truly a credit to your fine Catholic upbringing.

In humble gratitude for readers like you,

Sister Heloise


February 22, 2003

Dear Sister Heloise,

I haven't heard from you in a long time.  I was wondering what your take is on the  nuns who broke into a nuclear missile site in Colorado recently.  Do you think this is a courageous or stupid thing?

Curious in Colorado

Dear Curious,

You know how much I dislike having to do political commentary but here goes.  These nuns broke into a missile silo and then used the excuse that they were trying to stop a war crime in progress.   They need to get a clue, phone a friend, plead insanity (and a 'get out of jail free' card).  Can you imagine Jesus with a set of bolt cutters snipping through a chain link fence just to make a point!?  No?  Neither can I and trespassing on a missile silo makes no sense at all.  As far as comparing the missile silo to a war crime, perhaps they saw the film Minority Report a few too many times and think of themselves as a 'pre-crime' vigilante force.  God doesn't need fanatics like this doing more harm than good in the pursuit of peace.

There's  a difference between being peaceful and being and a pacifist.  A pacifist happily allows tyrannical rulers free reign to work their evil as long as they feel it doesn't affect them personally.  They pave the way for dictators like Hitler, Stalin, and Hussein to seize control  while they look the other way.  They think that they are doing the right thing by focusing on the peace they have in their own back yards (although you can see how suddenly that can be disrupted).  They think that the oppressed people are in support of their despotic leader because they believe everything they read in the news.   Pacifists contribute to wars by allowing a festering condition to continue in the hope that it stays contained and doesn't erupt into a situation that they'll have to deal with in their own lifetime.  I'm not advocating war, but there is such a thing as a sin of omission, as you're all aware from your fine Catholic upbringing.  We must continue to work toward a peaceful solution to this problem.  What these nuns did is counterproductive to that cause.

In His Holy Justice,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sis,

I just read your reply to South of the Border. I say hmmmm.  It's amazing that you know your roots trace back to St. Peter. Now that is a miracle in itself.  The person sounds Protestant? How narrow minded is that statment. One true religon? The Catholic church?

I feel you must be brain-washed! Sister free yourself from mental slavery! Seek God with your heart and soul!

Even more south of the border.

Dear Tierra del Fuego,

You must remember that I'm not an unbiased dispenser of advice.  I have bought into the Catholic religion in a very big way so feel free to call me 'brain washed' if you must.  I realize that we'll lose a few Catholics to the 'copycat' and alternative religions, but I won't be easily swayed by attacks on my faith.  And I did not say I could trace my 'roots' back to St. Peter, just my Christian heritage.  

One man's religion may be another's belly-laugh and you can taunt me all you like, calling me 'Sis' or other cute names, but my response will be to pray for you to seek God with all your heart and soul.

In His Infinite Forgiveness and Love,

Sister Heloise


 

Dear Sister Heloise,

Must you always be so self-rightous?

BTW saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers will not forgive sins nor get anyone to heaven. Have you ever even read the Bible?

South of the Border

Dear Southpaw,

You sound just a little peeved with me.  My self-righteousness comes from the fact that I can trace my Christian heritage directly back to St. Peter (the Great Western Schism notwithstanding).    You sound just a little bit like a Protestant, which makes me wonder if you've strayed from the straight and narrow path, that is, from the one true religion,  the Roman Catholic church.  Just because a person can quote the Bible at length, it doesn't mean that he will find salvation in it.  There are all the sacraments to consider and all the little 'extras' you get by being a Catholic like attending Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation that gets you  into heaven.  A soul free of mortal sins will get you to the glorious finish line, (or a few venial sins and a lot of Purgatory).  

I know that my advice sounds like it comes from on-high, but that's my prerogative as a nun, and a lifetime of "swinging for the fence on the 'A-team'".  

In His mercy,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

When is it proper for a Gentleman to wear a baseball type cap in  a restaurant or home?   Thanx

Dear fashion police,

I think you may have hit one of my hot buttons here.  A 'gentleman' would never wear his hat indoors.  I've decided that a baseball cap is a kind of "poor man's toupee" and have come to the conclusion that any man who wears a hat indoors is doing it to hide either a very bad hair day, a bald head, or a lack of brains.  I think it's lamentable that we tolerate this kind of reckless affront on our sensibilities yet I've noticed that more and more men are wearing their hats indoors.  When I go to a restaurant and see a grown man wearing a hat, with his family looking on with indifference, it shows a breakdown in a our societal values.  Worse yet, it sends a message to our children that this is normal and tolerated behavior in our society.  Ask what your fellow classmate, Sandy S. found in 1978 when Penn State Professor Ken Knott caught  him wearing his baseball cap in class.  (I'll give you a hint: He asked, 'Is the &*$#@ sun in your eyes?!")   Well,  the sun was not in his eyes and the hat was quickly removed.   I also have little tolerance for men neglecting to shave and appearing in public with a 2-day shadow.   The "Don Johnson" look went out with Miami Vice in the '80's!  Don't even get me started about women who wear ball caps as a fashion statement!  Oh, how I miss the old days of lace mantillas in church.

We need  more self-awareness about what we will tolerate in our society.  Otherwise, people will run roughshod over our sense of decency and the next thing you know, people will begin showing up at restaurants wearing sweat pants!

I'd suggest that you pray 2 'Our Fathers' and 3 'Hail Marys' for the poor souls who continue to wear ball caps because they don't know any better.

In His stylish decency,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,
I was just reading some re-printed columns of yours in a recent but little known publication called "Catholics Over 40". (Your section was called "Sometimes I must put the "Hell" in Sister "Heloise"...the best of Ask Sister Heloise.) Through the years, I have read every one of your advice columns. I can't help but notice that you have twice skirted the question regarding your high school related dreams. I was wondering if you would like to divulge anything to your readers either about your own dreams while a high school student, or those you had once you became a high school teacher.
Patiently waiting,
Well-Rested, Curious and Dreamy in Kingston  

Dear Ms. Persistent,

I must admire your persistence and so I will share a dream which  has had special significance for me.  It was a life-changing dream which I had as a freshman in high school.  You can tell that a dream is important when you periodically remember it and ponder on its hidden meaning.  In this dream, a race car was delivered to the school for a competition.  The car was so small and sleek that it had no room for the driver's head.  What this meant was that anyone who wanted to drive the car would need to cut off his or her head to do it.  Wanting to be the center of attention, I volunteered for this precarious position.  My own father helped me cut off my head.  I had to carry it around like soccer ball under my arm, but I was able to fit inside the car and thus guarantee my position as an esteemed race car driver so that I might win the approval of my friends.  After a short while, I noticed that my friends were grossed out by my missing head, although they wouldn't say anything to me personally. I also felt ashamed by the sirloin-steak appearance of the stump of my neck and the inconvenience of having to carry my severed head around with me.  I never bothered to check to see if I could have my head reattached before I cut it off and neither did anyone else.  It appeared that wasn't going to be possible.  As you can imagine, waking up from this nightmare to find it was only a dream was quite a relief!

This dream occurred on a night which I had done something very stupid in class when the teacher was out of the room.  I did it to attract the attention of my friends who admired my audacity if not my outright stupidity.  The dream was a message to me:  Your friends will gladly cheer you on when you're doing something stupid, but they will politely excuse themselves when the consequences of such actions manifest themselves.  The fact that my father helped me to cut off my head also shows that even parents, possibly out of some misguided love for their children, will often support them in carrying out foolish behavior. So the lesson hidden in this dream is to avoid engaging in stupid or dangerous activities just to win the approval of your friends.  I know that sounds just like good common sense, but when you see of often it's ignored, perhaps it's not so common after all.

In His Prescience,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I was wondering if you saw the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"? I have seen it twice, and what I liked best is anyone with a strong ethnic background would relate. It could easily be My Big Fat Polish Wedding, ...Italian wedding, etc. It was clean and funny and had a happy ending. My 77 year old mother liked it. She is a movie buff but blushes at some PG-13 movies. (Movies with an "R" rating we have to screen for her.) My friend's 94 year old Greek grandmother liked it and saw it twice. She had to be sure she had an empty bladder before she went the second time. Some of the Catholic nuns I work with asked me to write and ask your opinion.
Sincerely,
A good Irish-German/Polish-Slovak Catholic Girl 

Dear Girl with the perfect genetic inheritance,

I am often asked about my view on the modern movies and TV shows that have an excess of  sex, violence, and 'adult' language.  Although I do not engage in such activities myself, I can't help but feel that these movies have their purpose in our society.  For example, take the popular HBO series, the Sopranos.  Although  most of the characters are allegedly Catholic, they engage in activities that are decidedly non-Christian and it always seems to result in pain and suffering in their own lifetime, often within minutes of the transgression.  Also, witness the constant misery experienced by the characters in another popular HBO series, 'Sex in the City'.  If a show like that doesn't leave you screaming for the comfort of a monogamous (if not celibate), God-seeking relationship, you haven't been paying attention to it.  As an American, I don't like the concept of censorship.  Even the Bible contains its share of violence and sinfulness in an effort to show the absolute folly of such behavior.  You should protect you children from this until they are mature enough to understand that this activity has repercussions and then let them make their own decisions about it.  Don't try to prevent them from seeing it; that will only make them all the more infatuated with it.  Give them the love and guidance they need and then you will see that depravity will automatically repulse them.  If you think you can protect people from bad behavior by sheltering them from it, you are sadly mistaken, my little angel.  God does not turn a blind eye to wrongful behavior and neither should you.  See it, understand it, and make sure it does not enter you own life.

To answer the original question, I absolutely loved 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' even if the characters were Greek Orthodox, and not Roman Catholic.  I laughed until I cried.  Nia Vardoluos was a perfect fit for the role of the main character and reminded me of quite a few girls I taught in my classes.  It's always rewarding when the girl gets the guy and lives happily ever after, much like many Catholic school girls I know!   I think the moral of the story is that even if your perfect guy is of the wrong ethnic (or religious) heritage, with enough love you can convert him, at least enough to satisfy your family.

In His Ethnic Holiness,

Sister Heloise


I don't often get 'fan letters' but when I do, it fills me with such a tremendous amount of satisfaction that I have to post it here for all to see.  I must admit that I  often worry whether or not my advice will be heeded.  I am gratified to share the following response from a very wise reader with you:  

Dear Sister Heloise,
Two weeks ago you generously responded to my letter regarding disturbing, recurring dreams I had 25 or more years ago while attending Catholic high school. In your generosity, you interpreted my dreams and advised me (1)to methodically tackle my "To Do" lists and, (2)to let go of the past. I wish I heard your advice 25 years ago! Only in the past 5 or so years have I worked hard every day to "Let go and let God" and take things "One Day at a Time". I was so unhealthy in my co-dependence there was serious discussion at Random House to put my portrait next to the word "enabler" in the dictionary. But, as they say, "I'm much better now!" Your advice affirmed my new healthy attitude and lifestyle. Support, education, love and perseverance are wonderful things. Thank you so much.
By the way, I believe I asked you if you ever had any high school related dreams of your own. Care to respond?
Sincerely,
Well Rested and Much Better in Kingston

Incidentally, I have more than my share of dreams and I'd like to share them with readers, and I will do so when I have some time. 

Love Always,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I had recurring nightmares in high school. In some nightmares, I was late for class or the bus and could not remember my locker combination and was franticly trying to get things in or out of the locker, always to no avail. Also, I had frequent nightmares that I was at school in my underwear...I was mortified! Yet I don't think others even noticed. Sometimes I was in my underwear and late and clawing frantically at my combination locker. I have 2 questions. Did you ever see any high school students either in their underwear or frantic at their lockers? And, have you ever had any high school related dreams?

Well-Rested but Curious in Kingston 

Dear Dreamer,

This request has special significance for me.  Had not become a nun, I would most likely have become a psychic healer.  Dreams are generally full of advice, but few realize it.  The Bible is replete with stories of the significance dreams and I'm honored  to be able to analyze yours.  First of all, I must give credit to Edgar Cayce, who, although a Protestant, had unimaginable psychic powers.  I'd suggest you read the books  "Edgar Cayce, the Sleeping Prophet" by Jess Stern and  "There is a River" by Thomas Sugrue  if you want to learn more about this man's life and his amazing psychic powers.  You just can't ignore someone with a 920 batting average in diagnosing and prescribing cures for 'lost cause' illnesses while in a psychic trance.  Anyway, to get back to the matter at hand, there's also a Cayce book called "Dreams, Your Magic Mirror" by Elsie Sechrist which specializes in dreams which I also highly recommend. 

If you have a dream about being naked, or semi-naked, it indicates that you have fears about being 'found out', or something in your past that would embarrass you.  The fact that you know it, but no one else seems to know it, emphasizes this point.  Don't worry, we all have a few skeletons in our closets (even me) and to address this issue, you should just accept these shortcomings, release them,  and move on.  If you think it would help by confessing it to a priest, you should do so at the first opportunity and you'll feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off of you, which is the true purpose of confession.

The dream about struggling with your locker combination indicates that you have a lot on your mind and you have trouble keeping things straight.  Here's my advice:  Each day, write down the most important things you need to get done, and then do them.  If you can't do them that day, carry them forward to the next day and you will eventually cross them off your list.  You have no idea how powerful this advice will be in your life.  It will reduce stress, help you get control of your life, and help you to get the important things done.  Try it and report back to me in two weeks.

As for whether I've ever seen any students in their underwear or frantic at their lockers, I'd have to ask, "Which teacher hasn't?"  You children tormented each other in school and it wasn't unusual to find one of you who had been stripped of all dignity at some point and left out in the hallway with your clothes locked away from you.  It may not have happened to you literally, but I'm sure it's happened to each and every one of you in the figurative sense.  Recover, move on.  God still loves you, and so do I.

In His healing power,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I graduated from high school 25 years ago. My own 2 children are now in high school...my son is a sophomore and my daughter is a senior. While I attended 12 years of Catholic school, my children attend public school due to the astronomical cost of tuition. Anyway my memory is so poor I am having a hard time answering a very good question they have. How is attending Catholic school different than public school? I am sure you can help.

Sincerely,

A Good Catholic on a tight budget    

Dear budget-minded Catholic,

First of all, let me remind you to vote for any political candidate who thinks school vouchers are a good idea, particularly if it means voting Republican. Did you know that at  one time Catholic schools were free? That's right, just by being a member of a Catholic  parish, you could send your kids to school for free. This was enabled by an abundant  supply  of nuns who loved kids and loved to teach so much that they lived on next to nothing.  Believe me, I know, because I was one of them. But times have changed and with fewer nuns  available to teach in Catholic schools, they are as expensive to run as public schools. That's why  it requires tuition.

To help explain to your kids how they've missed out, I'd suggest a  book called Growing up Catholic. Also, for a more immersive experience, treat them to a  performance of Late Nite Catechism, a rousingly fun play written by two very funny Catholic  ladies.  We may be strict, but we have a great sense of humor!

You could also explain what Catholic school is not. It's not some snooze-fest pseudo school where the students spend their days in metal shop making little roller skates for  their knuckles so they don't drag on the ground. Also, it's not a "we'll take, you, we take  anyone" public school that will pass anyone with a pulse from grade to grade just so they  can keep the tax dollar allocations rolling in. In short, a Catholic school is the toughest  education you'll ever love.

I'd also suggest that you see to it that your kids attend CCD  classes, receive all the sacraments, and encourage them to become nuns and priests so we can  turn this situation around. 

If this does not get your attention, I'd suggest you take a look at the the letter from 'A Kool Guy' and be aware that this is what the public schools produce.  You'd never see this type of problem from a Catholic school!  Please focus your attention on your children and make sure they can read, write, spell and, most importantly, pray the rosary!

In devotion to all Catholic educators,


Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I recently attended all 4 events at my 25 year high school class reunion. At the dinner dance, I accidentally overheard one of my fellow female classmates tell Tom Crossin something very interesting. Tom remarked that she was looking good and recalled that at the 11 year reunion she showed more skin in her evening dress...mainly neck, shoulder, and legs. Why was she all covered up this time? She told Tom she was flattered but her figure now at age 43 and after having 2 kids is partly due to what she calls "industrial strength underwear". She says the right underwear, panty hose and bra will tuck, lift, suck and flatten. Then she wears evening wear that covers up what's underneath.

I was too embarrassed to admit I was eavesdropping so I did not dare ask where I too could find such foundations. (Amazingly, Tommy was not the least embarrassed to hear her secret! In fact, he was fascinated!)

My question is, Sister, maybe you or the other sisters know where one goes to buy "industrial strength" underwear. If so, please advise.

Signed,
Hopeful in Edwardsville

Dear Edwardsvillian,

While you thought you were admiring the shapeliness of this mystery woman's figure, what you were really admiring was the tasteful coverage of the excessive skin women like to show off.  Outfits that cover up skin are mercifully coming back in fashion.  I pine for the days when nun's habits covered everything including the foreheads and necks.  Truth be told, I used to cinch an uncomfortable hemp rope around my midsection, not because I needed it to pull in my gut, but to offer up the discomfort as a penance for the sins of my students.  It's called 'expiation' and I recommend you look into it.  The real benefit of tight clothing is its significant discomfort which can be offered up to our Lord as a penance.  If clothing is chosen for one's vanity, that is, to look more shapely or to attract the roving eye of onlookers, then there is a cancellation effect on the penance 'dividend.'  So, keeping this in mind, I'd hope that you promise that if I help you find the source of these 'industrial strength' undergarments, you spend some time wearing them around the house while doing household chores or watching TV, lest the penance dividend be wasted on your vanity.   

Here's what you want to do:  Call Bonner Chevrolet and tell them that you're looking for a new fleet of cars for your company because that it the only way you'll get Tommy on the phone.  He's a bigwig there and won't return calls or email if it's not worthy of his attention (trust me, he's very busy).  Then let him know that you were admiring our mystery woman's figure and would give anything to know her secret.  He'll sing like a bird, I guarantee it.  

In His holy expiation,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,
How will I know when I've left my indelible mark on society?  Still gasping for air...  I remain

Testosterone-Man

Dear T-man,

Have you been sowing your 'wild oats', my little friend?   This might explain your career aspiration to become a milkman, since you'll notice your features resemble those of your childhood milkman and I can see the genetic inheritance didn't stop there.  Next time I see you, I'll help you get a little control over your t-level with a good swift kick "where the sun don't shine," as my mentor Sister Virgilius was fond of saying.  

In His holy of Holiness,

Sister Heloise


 

Dear Sr. Heloise, 

I'm really, really worried. I noticed that one of our "star students" picture doesn't develop from my camera. The people around him come out just fine - and these are digital pictures. I also noticed that there is no reflection of him in any of the mirrors in the room at the reunion. Do you think this is God's way of getting him back for all the trouble he caused you and the other nuns during high school? Do you think Sister Gratiana is behind this? I am very worried about his soul. Will he have eternal rest? He is a personal injury lawyer you know, and that fact alone could cause him to fry in h-e-double toothpicks for all eternity. I personally think he should give up all of his worldly possessions, and become a missionary in Africa to help feed all the starving children.

Worried Claims Adjuster 

Dear Misinformed and Ignorant Insurance Droid,

I hope that your concern is truly based on your love for the "Star" and not some form of jealousy of his personal success.   Contrary to popular belief, personal injury lawyers are high on the list of God's special people, roughly at the same level as  'church ladies'.  That's right, when you're injured, you have only one friend, and it's not your insurance company, it's your personal injury lawyer.  The fact that he no longer registers on film or reflects an image in a mirror is more or less related to his past transgressions, including sending a basket of oranges to [a certain nun] who was deathly allergic to them.  Or, it might be related to replacing the competition's confectionary sugar with baking powder in order to win a baking contest in Home Economics class.  All he needs to do to correct this character flaw is to say 5000 "Our Fathers", 12000 "Hail Marys"' and 5000 "Glory Be's", and I'd throw in a few Rosaries and Novenas just to be safe.  I'd suggest if you're looking for a gift for our fine barrister, you consider some Rosary beads and an invitation to some prayer meetings.  

In His holy justice,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Hellowese,
I jist want ta say that I really really admire your web page.  I am enjoying it imenseley.  I liked High Skool a real, real lot, eskpecially my tieping and english classes.  I think it is really kool that you (a none) can do this diskcussion useing the internet thing.  I jist learned myself how ta use the internet thing. I hope you can come to the class reunion gatherings.  I don't remember you two much from skool, maybe you can tell me and all the other peoples who read this internet thing what you teached?

Respecktfuly,
A cool kinda guy.

Dear puddin' for brains,

I desperately wanted to correct your spelling, but didn't know where to start.  Your spelling is atrocious!  I thought I'd seen it all on the Internet, but your message stuns me.  How did you ever make it out of a CATHOLIC school?  While I admire your brown-nosing skills, that generally only works with lay teachers, not with nuns, so I can only assume you escaped after the ratios of lay-to-nun teachers shifted in your favor.  You are an embarrassment to our fine Catholic educational institutions!  

I know that many of your ilk depend on the spell checking capabilities of modern word processors, but I can't imagine from which planet you arrived.  I'm beginning to think you're an impostor and trying to bring down the collective IQ of our web page.  I could wax lyrically on the shortcomings of your written communication skills, but I must stop now before I say something that might jeopardize my place next to our Lord in heaven.  May God have mercy on your soul.  By the way, I'd suggest you get a GED, and make sure to pass so you can expunge any affiliation with our fine Catholic school system.

God have mercy on my soul,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise
While cleaning out an old folder this year I came upon some finished homework assignments that were never submitted. Do you think if I turned them in in the next week or so I could get credit added to my final GPA?????
Forgetful in Dallas

Dear Forgetful,

These assignments are obviously 25 years overdue.  Knock, knock, it's called a deadline and if you think for one moment that you can slip assignments in at this point, you're sorely mistaken, my friend.  Don't you remember how unyielding I was in accepting assignments 1 day (or even 1 hour) late???   As my Italian friends like to say, fuggetaboudit!  

My eternal love always,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,
Will you be at the reunion?  I don't seem to recall ever seeing you.

Dumbfounded in Dallas

Dear Lost and Dumbfounded,

While I could not personally attend the reunion, I was there in spirit.  I have permeated the collective consciousness of all my students and my indoctrination program always bears fruit.  Notice how everyone was on time? (Except, perhaps, for Sharon Popson, but that girl was truly incorrigible).  Did you notice how few people were passed out drunk, despite the open bar?  That's my re-programming in action and even though I am not there to supervise, you see the effects of my handiwork.  Whenever two or more of my students are gathered together, I assure you, I am there.

Your ever-watchful and loving guardian,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

What do you look like?

Curious in Kingston

Dear Curious,

Like my mentor, Dear Abby, I prefer to use a picture of myself that's from some time ago, when I was a bit younger.  Here is a picture of me a few years back with my colleague, Sister Gratiana... (I'm the good-looking one on the left).

With all my love,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,
I don't know the protocol in a column such as yours for publishing multiple letters on the same subject. I am talking about letters from and to and about "Ashamed in Forty Fort", "Less Ashamed...", "Mrs. Never Ashamed"...and me. I pray that in your mercy and kindness and because you are a vessel of God's love, you will print this in your column. I wanted to publicly thank Mr. Less Ashamed and Mrs. Never Ashamed for the beautiful response.  I love you both, too! God love you! Let's make time for each other at the reunion, and long afterwards, please! (Heavy sigh!)
Sister, I am sure that your readers are wondering if my love for Mrs. Never Ashamed was ever sexual in nature. Well, no one knows better than a Catholic that matters of sex should be honored and be more private than the secret prayers of cloistered nuns. So: Sister, Readers, don't waste your time wondering. No one, not even Mr. Ashamed, needs to know. I will say that love manifests itself in many ways; it is a many-splendored thing. I am not the only person in the world with more love than Richard Simmons, sharing it with a loving world bigger than Mister Rogers' neighborhood. We are everywhere! So, share the love, Sister! For the love of God, share the love! Amen. Alleluia!
Gratefully yours,
Madame President

(Sister Heloise feels that the above letter is so full of God's love that it stands on its own with no further commentary.)


(Just like Dear Abby, Sister Heloise sometimes gets 'fan letters' from her audience.   Here's one commenting on a previous advice column:)

Dear Sister Heloise,
Kindly forward the following message to "Ashamed in Forty Fort".
Dear Ashamed,
I was so happy to read your letter to Sister Heloise. I am writing to ease your troubled mind right now. When you THOUGHT that your wife was bragging about you, she was winking and in code to all who could hear actually bragging about ME. You see, your wife loves me too. In fact, I was not only SENIOR class President, but in fact JUNIOR class President as well. However, she loves you as a husband and I am only a list of powerful, fond memories. So sleep well tonight, and your secret is safe with me. And Sister Heloise. And any of our classmates. And any of the family members or friends of our classmates who read this. Be not ashamed.
Love to you and your wife,
Madame President
P.S. I was not captain of the football team. You are on your own there. 

Sister Heloise's comments:   Since this seems to cross the boundary into same-sex attraction, I wasn't exactly sure how to address it so I passed it along to 'Ashamed in Forty Fort'.

Dear Sister Heloise,

I read Madame President's comments with great interest and it shed some light on my wife's behavior.  She never lets me make decisions and often strikes others as being the one who 'wears the pants' in the relationship.  She also won't stop and ask directions when we are lost.  Perhaps her attraction to me, while admiring achievements of a woman from our past can explain some of her 'team' preferences.  Oh well, I realize this violates all kinds of taboos, Catholic, Christian, and otherwise, so I'll just let it go (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Thanks again and please let El Presidente know that we both love her!

Feeling less ashamed in Forty Fort


Dear Sister Heloise,

The most strange and wonderful thing has happened. I have fallen quickly and madly in love in just the past few days because of information that I have read on the reunion website. Should I share my feelings at the reunion with the lucky man? I will be at every reunion event so I will have ample opportunity. And do you think his wife and children and everyone at the reunion will support me?

Signed,

Breathless but Buxom

Dear Brainless Buxom,

Knock! knock! Does the 6th commandment mean anything to you???  No?  Then how about the 9th commandment???  We Catholics are just about as uptight about marital fidelity as anyone can possibly get.  I'd recommend some cold showers before each of the events, and perhaps a room at the Holiday Inn would be a good idea.  (and NOT for a liaison,  but for the cold showers you'll need during the dinner dance!).  A married man....Sheesh....with kids, no less!  I should bring my "board of education" or cat-o-nine tails to the reunion to whip some sense into you, Girly!

In His infinite mercy,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I was thinking of wearing jeans to the reunion dinner/dance, but then I found a message on the reunion website that mentioned a semi-formal dress code, meaning a jacket and tie for the guys  So, I'm trying to decide between the gold corduroy or blue velour suits that I haven't worn for a while but think I could still squeeze into.  What do I think about that?

Fashion conscious in Plains

My dear unconscious friend,

I don't have enough column space to go into what I think about your suggestions.  I'm surprised you didn't mention your mint green leisure suit or one of your plaid suits of the last century.  There's wardrobe term  called 'updating' in case you haven't heard about it.   If you don't update,  your friends will refuse to hang out with you.  Buy, beg, or borrow a coat and tie that was manufactured sometime in the last decade, my friend.  And please remember, if you had gone into the priesthood, like I suggested, you wouldn't be faced with this kind of fashion dilemma.  

Lovingly,

Sister Heloise 


Dear Sister Heloise,

What's wrong with kids today?  Were we as bad when we were in school as the kids are today?

Well-behaved product of a Catholic school

Dear well-behaved,

I can call you well-behaved now, but believe me, you weren't born that way!   You have your Catholic education to thank for the improvement.   I only have two words to describe the solution to any childhood behavioral problem: corporal punishment.  Oh, I realize how unfashionable it's become, but discipline problems today caused by the lack of corporal punishment are too blatant to ignore.  Who would dare to bring a firearm into school knowing that my mentor, Sister Virgilius, would make good on her promise to 'kick 'em where the sun don't shine'.  Or how about the effectiveness of the open hand slap by  the diminutive Sister Bertilla.  Here's one man who won't forget how that felt.  That slap had an amazing power to wipe that smirk off any face.  Or how about the wood shampoos doled out by the ineffable Sister Clare?  I'll never forget the satisfied look that possessed her when she broke a pointer over this young man's back.  This may all seem barbaric today, but you've matured enough to know that all those love taps we gave you  were all for a good cause.  After all, how can you argue with success?

Love taps, I tell you, nothing but love taps...

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I had no intentions of attending my reunion, but have since reconsidered.  However, my problem is that I sold my Class Ring on E-Bay to someone I don't even know.  I'm afraid that the someone is from our Class and do you think anyone will even notice or care.

Ring A Ding Ding

Dear Stegmaier Thing,

You're like a lot of your classmates, waiting until the 11th hour and then deciding that everyone else will be there and you don't want to be left out so now you decide to attend.  As for the class ring, don't worry about it.  Absolutely no one will be wearing their high school ring since their rings are probably 3 sizes too small for them at this point.  Heck, most of the guys won't even have the wedding rings on because they are at least 2 sizes too small due to their wife's cooking skills, or at least that's what they'll tell you.  Never do they credit their ring finger's significant increase in girth to over-consumption of the products from the Lion brewery!

Don't worry that someone in your class was the buyer of the ring.  A collector would be unlikely to spill the beans about  his affliction at a high school reunion.  I'd suggest you make some inquiries as to the availability of a few more of these fine rings while you're at the reunion and drive up the prices for the person with the Ebay obsession.

In His holy name,

Sister Heloise   


Dear Sister Heloise,

I am wondering about attending the reunion without a date.  Is this considered socially acceptable?

Dateless in Dupont

Dear Dateless:

It is perfectly fine to go to a high school reunion without a date.  I do it all the time.

There are plenty of legitimate reasons to arrive stag to your high school reunion.   The most obvious is that your spouse won't know a soul at the reunion and may not have a good time sitting there like a lump on a log while you, being the gadfly you are, flit from table to table catching up with old friends.  Don't worry about what to tell your classmates if you arrive alone.  Keep them guessing.  I'd suggest the line, 'He/she just couldn't make it'.  If a nosey person probes for more information, repeat the line.  This could mean that your spouse is at home taking care of the kids where he belongs.  It could also mean your Prince Charming turned out to be a frog and did not respond to your planned rehabilitation program, so you had to let him go back into the pond.  Just team up with some of the others arriving without dates and go have a good time.

Sincerely,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I converted to Buddhism recently.  Will I still be welcome to attend  the reunion?

Feeling Enlightened in Estes Park

Dear Buddy-Buddah:

There is and always has been only one spiritual teaching, although it comes in many forms.  There is no shame in being a Buddhist.  It's orders of magnitude beyond atheism or even paganism, but it's disappointing to know that you chose this incarnation swinging for the fence on an A-team and settled for the Little League.  To put it in terms you can understand, there's a 'pecking order' in God's plan of how he wants to be worshipped.  Here it is:

A-Team  The Catholic church
B-Team  All other Christian Religions
C-Team  Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam (in that order)
D-Team  New Age 'religions' and other forms of Paganism
H-Team (that stands for Hell, which is where they are all going)  Atheists, Satan-worshippers

God's mercy and love can always overcome any mistakes we make about the team we join.  You're more than welcome to come to the reunion, just no recruiting for your team.

In God's infinite mercy,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

Is it appropriate to ask a woman at my reunion if she's expecting?  I did this at the last reunion and it didn't go over too well and I'm not sure why.

Curious in Carbondale

Dear Curiously Clueless:

I once told you that you should never ask a woman if she's expecting unless you physically see the baby emerging from her at that very moment.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  And don't stare at  any part of her anatomy below her neck.  Look her straight in the eyes and don't let your eyes wander down there unless you want to get yourself in trouble.  

Love always,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I'm really terrible with names and so I feel like my upcoming reunion will expose me for the scatter-brain that I am.  Do you know of anything that I can do to overcome the fear of people coming up to me and knowing my name but then not being be able to do the same for them?

Absent minded professor

Dear nutty professor:

You're out of luck.  It appears that committee nixed the idea of using name badges at the reunion.  Name tags are very common at reunion gatherings because the sands of time not only wreak havoc on the memory, they can change the physical appearance beyond recognition as well.  Even though you might recognize a person's high school photo, it might be a challenge to see how a rather average-looking 18 year old has become so breathtaking at age 43.  I suggest you call everyone by a generic nickname, i.e., call the guys 'Ace' and the girls 'Beautiful'. 

Warmly,

Sister Heloise


Dear St. Heloise,

You are truly a saint! I am trying to think of an achievement that would make my life a little more worthy of the people in my high school graduating class.  I was considering mentioning my involvement in the invention of 'Post-It' notes as part of my contribution to society.    Do you think that I can pull it off?

Feeling Inventive in Minneapolis,

Dear Inventive but Clueless:

As much as I appreciate your calling me a saint, I'd like to remind you that before I can be a saint that  the Catholic church first require 1:.) I need to be dead for 7 years and 2.) I need 5 miracles attributed to me before I can be canonized.  Unless the church lifts its ban on counting card tricks as miracles I may have a hard time meeting the second criterion.  In any event, you might want to consider a different achievement than inventing Post-It notes since that ruse was exposed in 1997 by Janeane Garofalo when  Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino tried to use it in Romy and Michele's High School reunion.  

With heavenly wishes,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I had been considering attending my high school reunion, but realized that I did some things in my younger days that I'm not too proud of.  I would be very embarrassed about facing the victims who I am likely to see at the reunion.  What should I do?

Feeling Guilty in Greeley

Dear Guilty scoundrel:

The fact that 25 years later your conscience is still bothering  you is ample evidence  that your Catholic indoctrination is paying big dividends!  You see, your conscience needs you to beg forgiveness for these transgressions, and unless you do, you'll be plagued by them for the rest of your life.  What better time to grovel for forgiveness than at your reunion, when you can get lots of it done all at once?  Better yet, you might consider asking for forgiveness publicly because you won't have time to take care of it all in the span of a single weekend.  Also, asking for forgiveness publicly intensifies the feelings of embarrassment and remorse, both of which are good for the soul.

Yours truly,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

At age 41, I was a dotcom millionaire with all the perks a lifestyle like that afforded.  Now, a mere 18 months later, I'm a dotbomb loser.  All my stocks have tanked and my biggest achievement, the VC-funded Internet startup that left me worth millions on paper now has the creditors nipping at my heels.  I have to go back and face my classmates at my 25th high school reunion and tell them what a loser I am.  Oh why couldn't we have had a 23rd reunion?  How could  a benevolent God have allowed this to happen to me?

Busted in Boston

Dear Busted,

It's precisely because there's a benevolent God that this happened to you.  The fact that you'd ask someone who took a vow of poverty to explain your financial woes to you is an indication that you don't deserve to have any money.  Like I told you in high school, it's morally wrong to let a fool keep his money.   Don't worry, your classmates loved you when you had nothing so you'll look the same to them when you show up at the reunion.  You'd have been a frightening and unfamiliar sight had you showed up in your Ferrari.  You'll be more familiar in Dad's beat-up old Buick.

Warm wishes,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

After 20 years with a computer geek desk job, my body has taken on the appearance of a melted wax Buddah figurine.  With my high school reunion only 8 weeks away, can you think of a safe exercise program that I might use to get myself back into shape.

Seeking Enlightenment

Dear Unenlightened,

I have an exercise regimen that starts off very simply, progresses steadily, and in the end will leave you with a beautifully sculpted body that will be the envy of that old high school flame who never gave you a moment's notice.  You won't even have to start until a month before the reunion.  It involves only three exercises.  The first day do one sit-up, one pushup, and walk one step.  The next day, double the number of each of these exercises.  Continue doubling each exercise each day until your reunion.  That is, the second day, do 2 sit-ups, 2 pushups, and walk 2 steps.  On the third day, do 4 of each and so on.  I won't bore you with the mathematics of this program, but suffice to say that after 30 days, you won't be needing that plane ticket to get you from California to PA. 

Kind regards,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

With my 25th high school reunion approaching, I'm a little concerned that I haven't done as much with my life as I had hoped.  I thought by this stage of my life I'd have many people under me as I assumed the  role as a captain of industry.  Instead, I'm more like 'Wally' on  Dilbert and  I often feel like Scott Adams is making fun of me.

Humbled in Philly

Dear Humiliated:

Just in case you're uncertain about it, you are an idiot.  And when did you ever get the idea that you could hold a candle to Wally?    While it's true that you had 1200 people under you at age 21 (while mowing grass at St. Norbert's cemetery), you'll never manage to achieve that same stature again until you retire and find yourself raking leaves at St. Mary's cemetery (then you'll have 4000 people 'under' you)..  In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to ply your leadership skills at  a fast food restaurant.  You can always bluff your way through the inevitable questions about your profession.  You can embellish your accomplishments by using some kind of nebulous title.  I'd suggest you use the title of 'systems architect'.  

Amiably,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I'd like to go to my high school reunion after 25 years, but I'm concerned about  three things:  1.) I don't think that anyone has gained as much weight as me, 2.) That no one has as much gray hair as I do  and 3.) No one is quite as bald as me.

Feeling Senior in Swoyersville

Dear Senior Citizen:

While it's true that no single individual in your class can top you in all three categories, it's very likely that you'll find at least one person who will exceed your achievement  in each category.  This isn't an Ironman competition where you are expected to excel in every category.  As long as you can identify at least one individual who can top you in the weight gain, hair loss, and graying hair categories, you're unlikely to walk away with any embarrassing prizes.  Failing that, I suggest some Grecian formula for the hair or maybe even a rug in your case.  There's not much we can do to hide that 60 lb spare tire you've accumulated around the waistline.

Very truly yours,

Sister Heloise


Dear Sister Heloise,

I may have inadvertently led my wife to believe that I was the senior class president and the captain of the football team at my high school.  She's never questioned this minor exaggeration and I've actually overheard her bragging about it to some of our friends on occasion.  Our 25th class reunion is coming up this August and I'm not sure what to do if she brings up this subject with  my old high school friends.

Sincerely,

Ashamed in Forty-Fort

Dear Rightfully Ashamed:

You really are an imbecile.   Didn't you marry to your high school sweetheart?  Don't you think she knew you were exaggerating and just went along to soothe your fragile ego?  In any event, if her memory is as bad as yours,  I suggest you get your story straight with some of your cronies who have likely boasted to their own spouses about their over-inflated accomplishments.  Keep her away from anyone who might spill the beans and for Pete's sake, don't let her anywhere near the yearbook.

Cordially,

Sister Heloise


Sister Heloise is currently available for answering emails about your reunion. Please email her at sisterh@k0lee.com.